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The information in this resource guide has been assembled by members of the DignityUSA Couple's Task Force. This task force consisted of one couple from each of the seven regions of DignityUSA. The information in this resource guide has been compiled from data submitted by Dignity chapters.

No information in this guide may be duplicated without the expressed written permission of :

DignityUSA
PO Box 376
Medford, MA 02155
800-877-8797 | Fax: 781.397.0584
info@dignityusa.org

Copyright ©2008, DignityUSA. Permission is granted for use and alteration by any DignityUSA affiliated chapter without permission. For further use contact DignityUSA for permission.

Chapter 1
INTRODUCTION

Same sex unions and the concept of lesbian and gay marriage have gained nationwide publicity in recent years with Hawaii's court case and the Defense of Marriage Act. In reality, lesbians and gay men have been struggling with and forming spiritually committed relationships as long as the heterosexual community. Dignity, as a Catholic ministry to the lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender community, believes lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender persons can express and engage in sexual relationships in a manner that is consonant with Christ's teachings and Christian values. It is at the core of our mission to support these relationships that can be loving, life-giving and life-affirming. In light of these beliefs and in its commitment to meet its "Challenge for a Unified Tomorrow," that DignityUSA through its Board of Directors and House of Delegates established the National Couples Task Force to gather, compile and identify information and resources for the development of a couples ministry.

The National Couples Task Force, comprised of one couple from each region of DignityUSA, began meeting in March 1996. The Task Force initiated its efforts with the development and distribution of a survey that elicited the needs and desires of the local chapters with regard to Holy Unions. Results from the local chapters revealed that couples ministry is considered very important nationwide. So important that a few chapters have established well-respected ministries currently in place. The chapters further reported that they desire DignityUSA to provide direction and support in formulating guidelines for Holy Unions and in developing suggestions for resources for couples ministries at the chapter level.

As a result of the survey, the National Couples Task Force proposed the following recommendations to the DignityUSA National Board of Directors in October 1996:

1. That DignityUSA formulate guidelines for Holy Unions.
2. That DignityUSA develop a resource booklet for couple's ministry.
3. That DignityUSA declare an annual National Couples Day/Month.

The Board of Directors accepted the recommendations of the Task Force and called upon us to continue our work and bring it to fruition. Therefore, we present this resource booklet as a part of our work in the hope that it will serve as a springboard to developing a couple's ministry in your chapter.

Chapter 2
GUIDELINES FOR HOLY UNIONS

For a Holy Union to be a valid and recognized covenant in the eyes of the DignityUSA community, the individuals planning a Union must meet minimum standards of conduct. These standards of conduct have been expressed in terms of guidelines, which have been established to ensure that each Holy Union conducted within the Dignity community be respectful of both the individuals concerned and the community at large. A Holy Union, conducted within the Dignity community, which has met these guidelines, set forth below, will be considered a valid bond between two individuals and recorded as such in the DignityUSA National Couples Registry.

• Both members of the couple shall be at least the legal age of consent for marriage in the state in which the ceremony is to be performed.
• Neither member may be bound by a prior marriage or unresolved commitment. 
• At least one member of the couple must be an active member of a Dignity chapter. 
• The couple must inform the chapter leadership of their intention and work with the individuals designated by the chapter for preparation for their Holy Union. 
• A program of preparation, as determined by the local chapter, will be arranged with the individuals to address the specific needs of the couple. To assist in the development of a chapter program of preparation, the following program of preparation is provided as an example each chapter may use or modify to fit their needs.

Chapter 2a
A SAMPLE PROGRAM OF PREPARATION

Provided by Dignity/Washington

1. Due to the need for confidentiality and consistency in the pastoral ministry provided by Dignity/Washington with respect to Holy Unions, responsibility for implementation of that ministry will be entrusted to a Pastoral Team for Holy Unions that will be appointed by the Board of Dignity/Washington annually. The team will consist of six to eighteen persons who will perform the following functions:

Pastoral Leaders: two to four persons (including at least one priest and, if possible, one or more lay persons with theological and/or pastoral ministry training who are called to this ministry). Each couple seeking to celebrate a Rite of Holy Union under the auspices of Dignity/Washington will meet with a Pastoral Leader to explore their objectives. The Pastoral Leader will explain to the couple the preparatory options that the community makes available to them.

These options include, but are not limited to:

• Meeting with one or more couples in committed relationships to identify and explore issues pertaining to the celebration and commitment they now seek to undertake; 
• Meeting with a liturgical guide who will present the particulars and options for celebrating a Rite of Holy Union; 
• Participation in a couple's retreat; 
• Meeting with a legal advisor to discuss matters that they may wish to take up with an attorney of their own choosing.
• The Pastoral Leader will meet with the couple periodically to discuss their use and experience of these options and to assist in their personal and spiritual reflections in connection with their preparations for the state of Holy Union. The officiant at the Holy Union ceremony will normally be the Pastoral Leader who has overseen the couple's preparation; however, another individual, chosen by the couple, may be designated.

Partners in Commitment: at least two couples (four persons) in long-standing, committed relationships to share experiences and ideas with couples preparing to celebrate the Rite of Holy Union. Ideally, these should include at least one female and one male couple. These couples will also undertake the coordination of at least two Couple's Retreats for Dignity/Washington each year (see item 2).

Liturgical Guide: one to three persons who will be available to:

Meet with couples preparing for the celebration of a Rite of Holy Union;

Present options with respect to ceremony formats and liturgical readings, ideas concerning ceremony particulars (seating arrangements, procession to the altar, etc.), music options, and potential sites for the celebration.

Legal Advisor: one or two persons who will be available to meet with the couple to present Legal considerations that they may wish to explore with their own attorney (wills, power of attorney, registration as domestic partner's, if applicable, etc.). The legal advisor may also offer the names of attorneys who are known to be experienced in assisting gay and lesbian couples with their legal needs.

2. A Couples Retreat should be organized twice a year, at six month intervals, if possible, under the direction of the Pastoral Team for Holy Unions, to assist couples preparing: to enter the state of Holy Union and to provide an opportunity for all couples within the community of Dignity/Washington to explore and deepen their relationship. This retreat is envisioned above all as a time for dialogue between partners about their relationship and for sharing by couples in committed relationships with couples considering the celebration of a Rite of Holy Union.

3. The Pastoral Team will undertake to prepare and to make available two publications:

• A flyer for distribution at Dignity/Washington's Sunday Mass and, as appropriate, through other chapter activities, that invites all interested couples who are considering the celebration of a Rite of Holy Union to contact a Pastoral Leader and provides a brief description of some of the steps and options that are entailed in undertaking the celebration of a Rite of Holy Union and, 
• A comprehensive list of pastoral resources and options to guide couples actually undertaking preparations for the celebration of a Rite of Holy Union.

4. The Pastoral Team will have responsibility of maintaining a single, permanent register of all Holy Union ceremonies performed under the auspices of Dignity/Washington. Each entry will include the names, address and religious affiliations of both partners, names of two designated witnesses and of the officiant for the Holy Union ceremony performed. A certificate testifying to the event will be provided to each couple.

5. The Holy Union Task Force, emphasizing individual self-discernment or a special calling, will facilitate determining who will serve on the first Pastoral Team for Holy Unions. The Task Force will submit the names of these individuals to the Board of Directors for appointment to the Pastoral Team. Thereafter, it will be the responsibility of the Pastoral Team to at least make annually consensus recommendations to the Board concerning the Team's composition. These subsequent names of persons who are called to this ministry will be submitted as needed for appointment by the Board. Individuals are discouraged from serving for more than two years on the Pastoral Team.

6. As soon as possible following appointment by the Board, each Pastoral Team will seek to take a retreat together, a weekend, if possible or a full day, at a minimum, to solidify its existence as a team and to seek the strength and guidance of the Holy Spirit for its undertaking, mindful that it will be representing Dignity/Washington in this crucial aspect of its ministry.

Chapter 3
ESSENTIAL ELEMENTS OF A HOLY UNION CEREMONY

Entering into a Holy Union is a serious, intimate and sacred pronouncement that symbolizes the coming together of two lives. When a couple decides to have a Holy Union ceremony, careful thought, planning and the couple's creativity are required to tailor their ceremony to who they are as individuals and as a couple. The couple is making vows to one another before God and their community of family and friends gathered as witnesses. The couple, in turn, asks the community for their support and blessing in their relationship. Therefore, some essential elements that may be used as a framework on which to build their ceremony might be as follows:

1. Vows
2. Asking the community for their support
3. Blessing of the couple by the community and a community-recognized Presider

This framework, with the addition of religious and cultural traditions, scripture, prayer, Eucharist, other symbols, creates a unique ceremony that presents the couple to their community. These outward demonstrations of commitment to one another as a couple add to the validity and stability of a relationship.

Chapter 4
NATIONAL COUPLES REGISTRY

In its effort to support and validate committed relationships, DignityUSA has established a National Registry of Holy Unions. This registry is part of Dignity's commitment to recognizing and honoring couples who have made a decision to have a Holy Union that satisfies the Holy Union Guidelines set forth in this resource guide. It is also documentation that we, as lesbian, gay, bisexual and, transgender people, do have and desire long-term monogamous relationships that are consonant with Christ's teaching and Christian values, and are loving, life-giving, and life affirming.

DignityUSA would like to extend an invitation to all couples who have Holy Unions that satisfy the Holy Union Guidelines and any that may be in place at the local chapter to register their Holy Union with DignityUSA. Couples who have had Holy Unions prior to the release of the Guidelines may also register but must have met the Guidelines. While we want to support and validate all couples who have had Unions, we feel that for the Registry to be accountable, the guidelines must be adhered to. We suggest and encourage couples to use an occasion such as an anniversary to have a reunion that satisfies the Guidelines, thereby qualifying it for the registry.

The Holy Union Certificate is to be filled out by the chapter and signed by the couple, their witnesses, and the presider(s), and presented to the couple at the Holy Union. The registry form must be filled out and signed by the presider(s) and chapter leader and sent to the National Office for registry. A dated copy will be returned to the chapter. The chapter is then encouraged to make a copy for their records before issuing the form to the couple.

The Dissolution of Holy Union form is provided as the method of removing the record of a Holy Union from the National Registry of Holy Unions. The reasons for the removal need not be provided, but removal would be necessary before an individual could register another Holy Union. This form should be completed and sent to DignityUSA. A dated copy will be returned to the chapter.

Chapter 5
EXAMPLES OF HOLY UNIONS

Examples: 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6

Chapter 6
COUPLES SUPPORT

The following pages contain examples of couples support program and events sponsored by some Dignity Chapters. These are ideas, which you can use or consider when you create your own couples support programs and events.

"Our problem in relationships is how to have an ongoing intimate life with another person at the same time as we invite this completely unpredictable depth to have a significant place in our lives. It isn't easy to live with the power and mystery of another's soulful personality.... The only solution to this problem I know is for both parties to respect soul, to acknowledge the mystery that is inescapably contained in the soulful life, and to come to treasure that very unpredictability."
— Soul Mates - Thomas Moore

Being in a same-sex relationship eliminates us from much of the support, both psychological and concrete, which heterosexual couples enjoy. Because of that, we need to create our own supportive atmosphere. The following are suggestions, which might be helpful if your chapter needs to build such a support network. Avoid forming a Couple's Committee. Being in a relationship is already a lot of work. One more committee takes time away from couplehood.

Support Groups: Solicit volunteer couples to facilitate a couple's support group. Get 4 or 5 (maximum) couples together once a month to discuss topics such as money issues, dealing with families, how to deal with conflict, control issues, communication.

Education: Offer educational/supportive topics for larger groups of couples about such topics as: legal issues of ownership, wills, children and child rearing, becoming pregnant.

Ministry as a Couple: Have couples perform their various ministries together, whenever possible (e.g. greeters, readers, homilists, etc.).

Retreats: Either formal or informal, directed or free-flowing, gathering couples for an extended time (e.g. 1-2 days) to pray together, discuss the issues of couplehood, break bread, relax and have fun together. These activities can be life-giving experiences.

Anniversary Recognition: Announce anniversaries in your bulletin, pray for couples during the Prayers of the Faithful.

Peer Couples: Encourage established couples to "sponsor" new couples.

Social Gatherings: Couples night at the skating rink or a couple's dinner dance.

These suggestions are meant to be guidelines to get you started. By no means are they required of any chapter. We would like to encourage each chapter to develop their own local resources and/or look to local gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender agencies for committed support for those among us who have entered into a committed relationship.

BIBLIOGRAPHY

Berzon, Betty, Ph.D. Permanent Partners: Budding Gay and Lesbian Relationships That Last. Penguin Books USA Inc., New York, 1990.

Berzon, Betty, Ph.D. The Intimacy Dance: A Guide to Long-Term Success in Gay and Lesbian Relationship. Penguin Books USA Inc., New York 1996.

Boswell, John. Same-Sex Unions in Pre-modern Europe. Villard Books, New York, 1994.

Curry, Hayden and Clifford, Denis. A Legal Guide for Lesbian and Gay Couples. Nob Press, Berkeley, CA, 1990.

DeCecco, John, ed. Gay Relationships. Harrington Park Press, New York, 1988.

Driggs, John and Finn, Stephen E. Intimacy Between Men: How to Find and Keep Gay Love Relationships. Dutton, New York, 1990.

Duff, Johnette and Truitt, George G. The Spousal Equivalent Handbook: A Legal arid Financial Guide to Living Together Penguin Books USA Inc., New York, 1991.

Gramick, Jeannine and Nugent, Robert (eds.). Voices of Hope: A Collection of Positive Catholic Writings on Gay and Lesbian Issues. Center for Homophobia Education, New York, 1995.

Isensee, Rik. Love between Men: Enhancing Intimacy and Keeping Your Relationship Alive. Prentice Hall Press, New York, 1990.

Loulan, JoAnn, Loving Ourselves and Each Other.

Luecke, David L. The Relationship Manual for Couples: How to Diagnose, Build, or Enrich a Relationship. The Relationship Institute, Columbia, MD, 1991.

Price, Deb. Marriage Isn't Just for Heterosexuals. USA Today, Tuesday June 14, 1994, pp 12a.

Ritter, Kathleen and O'Neill, Craig. Coming Out Within: Stages of Spiritual Awakening for Lesbians and Gay Men. Harper San Francisco, San Francisco, 1992.

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