Breath of the Spirit

THANKSGIVING REFLECTION

(Teri/Ohio)

 

November 25, 2004

 
While growing up, I always looked forward to Thanksgiving — turkey, cracking nuts, and pumpkin pie. It was a fun day and week; doing Pilgrim & Indian decorations in school. Then ‘the usual’— thanking for family, health, food. I’d mutter Amen and reach for the white meat.

 

Because back then, those were just things I took for granted — mere parts of growing up. Now, I see that ‘everyday things’— friends, work, even ability to walk -- are no sure thing. The plagues and storms of Bible times, and the many who needed Christ’s healing, are sad proof of bad in life. We may wonder when or if our prayers will be answered. Why do some misfortunes drag us down — while blessings seem too short? We hear that God only gives us what we can handle; that He is our rock; and there is ‘time for everything under heaven’ (Ecclesiastes). I remember ‘Footprints in the Sand’ verses: how, in troubled times, God carries us; that’s why we only see one set of prints. I ponder how God gives answers & reasons in divine time — which isn’t ours; with sometimes, the answer being no answer.

 

My beliefs & strength have been tested since spring 2003. As a bisexual who started coming out in 2002, I have felt both great inner joy and alienation – times when things were either ‘so right’, or emotionally crippling. I’d praise God for an experience, and feel closer to Her — only to experience heartbreak; and not attend church the next Sunday. Luckily, I am less prone now to self-pity -- in fact, able to thank God for what good came from these experiences.

 

I fell hard for a coworker, ‘Lynn.’ We stayed just friends; but her presence made my heart sing. She evoked the best in me -- deep desire to be generous, loving, and genuine with her & others. She completed me – great family and job; work friends; now her. Feeling much relief, I thanked God for finally finding a niche. Then, mysteriously, Lynn drifted away. In renewed efforts to prove myself, I tipped my hand about my feelings. She was uncomfortable with my affections; our friendship ebbed. Working together was now hard – as we no longer spoke or visited. I felt like a stranger with cohorts I’d known 18 months; as talk spread about me. Then, I was fired; learning later my sexuality tipped the scales. That day, clutching to my heart a picture of Lynn & me at 2002’s Christmas party, I felt absolute agony in losing her AND my job. I cried to God for more strength — feeling I had MORE than I could handle. I virtually forgot joys I’d had; I knew only pain.

 

Weeks later, while surfing advice columns, I answered an experience which mirrored mine. Alex and I soon corresponded through cards and voice chat. She was fun and compassionate; I could share anything with her. I felt good about myself again. I thus believed Alex was God’s reason for taking me down that path with Lynn. The ‘perfect friend’: a straight, religious woman with whom I could be totally myself; and who loved me still. We felt close, though we hadn’t met yet. Then, in Job fashion, came a sudden, sad turn. Alex and husband Aaron died in a crash days before we were to meet. Feelings of anger & bitterness returned — why send her, let me get so attached, then take her permanently after 6 months? And why was she -- newlywed, with one of the biggest hearts I knew -- dead at 27? The world couldn’t afford to spare people like her. This, to me, was one of God’s most mysterious, confusing ways.

 

I grew bitter, as I cursed yet another loss. That Alex was with God and Aaron forever was no comfort; she was gone and the ache was back. I wasn’t thanking God for her — but almost wishing we hadn’t ‘met.’ Likewise with Lynn.

 

I felt empty. I ‘filled time’ with housework & errands; to fight thoughts of Alex and renewed anxiety over finding niche as a bi Christian. Then, one day, I decided to visit the gay/bi Christian group, Shepherd Initiative -- and it offered refreshing, comforting perspectives. I found like support in Dignity; and joined Stonewall as volunteer. Being in these groups felt so right. I experienced real peace & joy; which Catholic tradition said came from sound choices. A real light shone as I realized God’s reason for recent trials: my current paths! A path of integrating faith & sexuality into a spiritual life I’d felt alienated from. A path bringing greater appreciation of blessings — however they came; and confidence I was sorely lacking. These were good things; ‘fruits of labor.’ 2004 brought things to be thankful for, after all.

Ecclesiastes mentions ‘doing our best while we’re alive, using chances.’ Those times with Lynn & Alex were real gifts borne of chances I took -- and reaped happiness from. Which I am thankful for. Stifled by pain of loss, I’d forgotten simple pleasures; personal insights; and wonderful feelings of love they gave me. I took my husband and kids for granted too — overlooking that having a family was a blessing dear Alex would never experience. Her loss didn’t change how wonderful she was — a true gift from God. I doubt it was coincidence I found her shortly after crying out to Him. Likewise, I cherish what Lynn brought: amazing selfless love, and joys, in my heart; joy I found in helping others; also her soothing presence. I try to remember these — not why we drifted apart. I appreciate the gifts of these women; and the memories -- which will always be. Plus the paths they led me to, guiding toward greater comfort and peace. Without these experiences, I might be stumbling down a maze.

 

In Scripture, we find miracles, healing, God’s boundless love, and gifts given as needed to sustain us. I better recognize, and appreciate, such gifts as they come. Though perhaps fleeting, they ARE blessings given. I focus hard on not taking things for granted — husband, kids, seeing Grandma at holidays, a new venture or peer. It’s amazing how things changed when I finally grasped the larger plan of which my friends were part: paths toward more self-acceptance, integrating faith & sexuality, and deeper appreciation of gifts. I’m thankful for reaching this point — and for happy memories I’ll always have to enjoy. In celebrating Thanksgiving 2004, I’ll thank God for Alex & Lynn and what they gave me; not cry in regret. I’ll thank God for family, new peer supports and simple fun in lunching with my best friend or watching my soap. Thanksgiving calls to mind what we have in our lives — and thanks God for giving it. Including another chance to sit and share a meal together.